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Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
I drink because people talk.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.