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Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
"May the 4th" be with you!
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
Today`s Generation: "Omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.