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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
whoever said that there are no stupid questions was stupid
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.