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The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.