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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.