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I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.