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I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.