Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...