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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
i am not so think, as you drunk i am
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
Why can’t I lose weight easily I mean I lose everything else without a problem.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
And the day after Christmas has revealed that the holiday is just an elaborate ruse to get you home to fix your parents computer problems.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!