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Hendrix didn`t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?