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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!