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I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
So it`s racist to call a team Redskins but it`s okay to call a restaurant Cracker Barrel ?
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.