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life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
2 words, 1 finger.
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.