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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.