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What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
I just threw up my weekend.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…