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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.