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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!