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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
Neighbor said hi again. I`m just gonna move
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...