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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
Teacher: Have a seat! Student: Thanks! *picks up the chair and leaves* -- (°_°)
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”