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We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.