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One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.