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I cannot even begin to imagine the conversation that led to the first circumcision.
I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
Being alive is so expensive.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.