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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
Winning isn`t everything. Rubbing it in the face of your opponent is also important.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.