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Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!