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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.