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Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.