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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
I know u r but what am I ?
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
FANNNN...DANNNNN....GOOOOO. Breathe The A`s.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice