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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
The Easter Bunny doesn`t always drink, but when he does I bet it`s hopscotch.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
i only drink on days that end with y
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D