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You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.