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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
My internet goes out more than I do.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t