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Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.