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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie