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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.