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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.