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Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or Iām about to be murdered.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
Iām sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!