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I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.