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According to my nipples, summer is over
Which wine goes best with more wine?
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.