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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
I`ve been struggling with my laziness. I can`t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"