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Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.