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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
Very productive day today, turd-wise
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.