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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don`t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.