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I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes