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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.