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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
Soup of the day: Tequila.
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.