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Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.