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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
I´m not insensitive, I just don´t care.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.