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wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.