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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.