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Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours