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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.