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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
Haters can hate all they want... they don`t affect my money.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.