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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.