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My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
I will not let people drive me crazy because I know it`s in walking distance.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
I have nothing!