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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
Smile, it confuses people. ;)
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
More people should be at a loss for words.
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
Life`s short ... Drink fast
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.