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President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?