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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.