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Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.