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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..