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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…