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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?