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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
You know you`re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up