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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance daddy.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
Grabbing a drink after work is perfectly fine.However, you look like an alcoholic when your getting that drink at 6am.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.