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I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
I drink because people talk.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.