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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.