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I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO