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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
Women.Some men undermine, disrespect and consider them weak,forgeting the countless spanks they got from their mothers
At least a stalker is there for you.