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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
i don`t care if u don`t like me ........... i am not a facebook status:D
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.