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It`s called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
Personally, I think failure should be an option