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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.