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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.