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Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
Sorry but if these walls could talk I`m pretty sure they`d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you`re blowing out of proportion.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.