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wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!