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All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.