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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
My brain has too many tabs open.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.