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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.