Daily Silly Status

Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.

I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.

If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.

I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.

You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.

I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?

I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.

Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.

If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.

I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.

I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.

I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY

Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.