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According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with `Go away.`
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
Today is national I don`t feel like doing sh!t today. Celebrate accordingly.
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this weekend. ;)
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.