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I wish I had a friend like me
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.