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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since `pro` is the opposite of `con` we should call it prosti..... oh wait.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"