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The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.