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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.