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My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.