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Roses are red Your thong is pink Cover that up You`re not as hot as you think.
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.