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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.