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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
You are here: X
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone