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"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"