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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
We think therefore we must be, but are we?
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.