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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.