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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...