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Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.