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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.