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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.