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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.