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I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
I can`t tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela`s funeral?
The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M