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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job