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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.