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Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!