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We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"