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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.