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Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
Normal people scare me ... But not as much as I scare them. :)
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if Iām right!!!!