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My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...