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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.