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My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.