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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.