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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.