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Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
What about a To-Don`t List?
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
LOQ "Laugh Out Quietly" because LOL is giving me a headache
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.